Shutting Down My Family Saved My Mental Health

I have decided that I will no longer associate myself with any members of my family. That includes my mom, dad, and two siblings. I already made up my mind that I will no longer consider them part of my life from now on. I consider them dead. I know some of you will see me as an ungrateful daughter because of that decision. Well, I can’t blame you. Society has this ideology that family ties are the most important thing in the world. Unfortunately, for me, it is not.


What Triggered That Decision?

Maybe for some people, I am too harsh with my decision and think I am overreacting. But when you belong to a family that does not contribute to your emotional, mental, and spiritual growth, you don’t stay. You leave. You prioritize your overall health because that is the only thing that can help you get through with the challenges of life.

Honestly, I understand that I should be thankful that I grew up in this world with a family by my side. However, for my 24 years of existence, I entirely cannot recall anything that my family positively contributed to my development. My father was a drug addict. Even when I was little, I struggled to focus on loving him because of his unfavorable habits. He often scolds and hurt me for no reason. My dad was so mean that every time he comes home and sees me, he finds a moment to abuse me physically. He would kick me, choke me, and pull my hair. There was this one time when I was in 3rd grade; my father shaved my head. I had to lie to everyone about it because I do not want them to think that I was living with a dysfunctional family.


The thought of my father being abusive is not the only problem I experienced. My mom, who was supposed to take care of me, was never there for me emotionally. I was supposed to love her because I thought she understands. However, she chose to tolerate my abusive father. Sometimes, due to her lack of self-confidence, she points fingers every time she makes mistakes. My mother does not care if I get beaten up physically. She was just in front of the whole scene, staring and ignoring the abuse. At a very young age, I was confused as to why my parents treat me miserably. I was made to believe that there was something wrong with me, which made my mom and dad act abusively towards me.

As I live my life with doubts and confusion, the struggle did not end. My sister, who is supposed to be my confidante, became my worst enemy. When I was in high school, she was jealous that she thinks my parents love me more than her. She had this messed up thoughts of me, being a favorite daughter because I was sleeping with my father. My sister was so unbelievable that she even spread rumors at school that my dad and I were having an affair. She was so crazy that she went on stabbing me with a scissor just because I told everyone what she said was a lie. She entirely believed her story even though she knows it was never the truth. My sister always acts like a saint in front of other people. But when it is only the two of us, she physically tortures me.


Growing up, I know my life was miserable. But I didn’t complain. I thought maybe I can still find some good reasons to stay with my family and forgive them for everything they have put me through. But everything ended when my brother sexually abused me. I was so devastated that my blood-related sibling raped me. I was sick to my stomach that I endured the pain of emotional, mental, and physical torture to find myself getting raped in the end. My brother, who was often absent in my life, committed the most unforgivable crime. He was a monster, and I cannot fathom to think about forgiving him for the rest of my life. All this time, I thought my childhood was normal and that every child also experiences it. But I was wrong. I am emotionally and mentally damaged, that I now suffer from multiple mental illnesses.


Now for those people who are judging me for condemning my family, who are you to judge? What makes you think that shutting down my family is wrong? After knowing my side, will you still be able to convince me to forgive and continue life with them? What makes you think I can tolerate a dysfunctional family that physically, emotionally, and mentally tortures me all the time? If you experience the things I experienced, I welcome your opinion. But if not, leave me alone.

BetterHelp was one of the few support systems I had. If not for two of their counselors, I would be in a very bad place right now. The site is such a blessing for me.

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